Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
Superman was flying around thinking."I need a shag."He was horny as a horndog.The Man of Steel was gagging for it.He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman,so he flew down for some advice.
"Hey batty,who's a good shag?"Batman replied."Well Supe,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best gender in comicland,why dont you try her?"
"I'd love to,but Wonderwoman and i are friends,so i dont really want to take advantage of her...."
"Damn shame,"said Batman,and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
A few minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saww Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.he flew down.
"Hey,Spidey,i'm cruisin' for a piece of blueberry,who's the best shag in comicland?"
"Hey Big S,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best shag in comicland,why don't you try her?"
"Well,we are sort of friends,"said Superman,"but i didnt realize she had gotten around so much."and he flew off frustation.
Minutes later he was fkying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked,in the middle of the field,with her legsapart and up in the air.Superman was tempted."Goddam it!"he thought to himself,"I'm faster than a speeding bullet,I can be in and out of there before she even knows i'm here."So with a blur and a sonic boom he was don,in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression,"What the f*** was that?" she exclaimed.
"I dont know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,"but my * is killing me."
